Road Trip

It is a daunting thing to write the very first blog entry on a website that could potentially be read by thousands (if I’m lucky).  To quote a close friend, “It’s only for forever!”

I’ll be honest in telling you that I’ve been writing for over a month, in anticipation of this very day.  And then, I got serious, set a deadline, and realized none of those posts would do.  Certainly, they were eloquent. And maybe even moving.  But, I did say I’d be truthful.  I wanted to vomit.

During that time, I wrote ten blog entries that I might be able to use in the future. In my mind, at least two of them were “first entry” worthy.  I was SO wrong!  After re-reading those two notes in particular, I knew they needed to be moved to the depths of a file labeled “Blog Shit”.

Imagine you are meeting someone for the first time.  Seriously…. visualize it.  This woman begins to detail the agony she experienced upon discovering her husband was leaving her for another woman.   The depression.  The panic attacks. The feelings of worthlessness.  The staring at her pitiful self in the mirror while she ugly cried wondering who would ever love her at this age.  

Then, aren’t you lucky?  This most interesting woman invites you into her circle to be her best friend!   What you don’t know is what she is thinking…  She believes you’re going to benefit immensely from your new relationship.  She’s going to be your new guru, because she herself sat under the very best teacher… life experience.  She’s going to gather you under her wing and reveal to you her infinite wisdom.

If you knew that’s what your new friend was thinking, you would start ignoring her phone calls and block her from your social media.  I don’t imagine you’d be seeking this crazy lady out to join you for a margarita next Friday.  In fact, you probably would sneak quickly away the moment she excused herself to go to the bathroom.

So… even though my experiences have made me feel like I have something to share, much like the crazy lady described above, that is definitely not the way I want to start this thing out.  If I was claiming to be your leading light, without you knowing a thing about me, you likely would not be interested in reading the blog of this grandiose, wisdom sharing, self-proclaimed guru.

Although it was my divorce that brought me to this point of rethinking things, that particular event is not something I need to rummage through.  At a minimum, I will tell you that, as with most life altering experiences, my divorce has turned out to be something I have actually been most grateful for.  Not because I’m one of those hysterically bitter ex-wives who thinks “I don’t need no stinkin’ man!”  Rather, because it has afforded me the opportunity to get to know myself again.

It was an eye opener when I realized how much I had changed during those 25 years to make my marriage work best for the benefit of the most people. In other words, I sacrificed parts of myself for the “sake of the cause” and the “greater good”.

It’s been a little over a year since my divorce.  I have started to build my female relationships again.  Predictably, I was one of those women who did not branch out while I was married and raising children.  Sure, I did a lot of volunteer work, interacting with people at church, at school, and the kids’ extracurricular activities.  But I didn’t try to grow any of the friendships I could have possibly made during that time.  I hyper focused my energy on my marriage and kids.  

So, this brings me to the purpose of this blog… which of course you have already seen in the tagline of the home page.

We’re all in this thing together.  Hell… I’ll admit it.  I’m almost 50 years old, and there are still days when I worry that I still haven’t determined what I want to be when I grow up. BUT, gratefully, there are some things I DO know about myself.  I like to write.  I enjoy all kinds of music and feel alive when I am dancing.  I cry at the ballet. I breathe better when I’m outside.  I love intentionally and deeply.  I find peace in studying spirituality, philosophy and religion.  And I really, truly melt in a long, tight hug.

But there are a few things I’m still trying to figure out.  How to find a balance between my personal and professional life.  How not to be afraid for my future.  What do I want out of a serious, loving, long term relationship?  Is it safe to go camping by myself? Where did all these wrinkles come from? And, most of all, why won’t someone just give me a million dollars without expecting anything in return?

So, this is what we’re doing.  I figure, since I’m already on this journey of self discovery, renewal, and let’s admit it… a wee bit of suffering, I don’t mind taking you along for the ride.  The more the merrier.  BYOB and hop in!