“You don’t deserve my conversation. I dust my feet off.”
“What a disappointment.
“You have no value in heart or spirit.”
“Your brains can’t overcome a pure heart.”
“All your trying to be smart will not fool God, and it is so weak, I can see it.”
“You are a taker.”
“I’m obviously casting my pearls before a swine.”
“Poor little Lorrie, Like always, you have never learned.
These are just a few examples of the most recent hurtful words and phrases I allowed someone to say to me before I finally made the choice to let go of that relationship, which I have held and valued for more than half my life.
Do you know what one of the best things about being single has given me? The confidence to say, “Enough is enough” and “I don’t deserve this kind of treatment”.
The more time I have spent away from the last two people who repeatedly used the power of words to belittle, name call, denigrate and berate me, the more self-confident and secure I have become. And by no means is this because I have done anything special to acquire that self-confidence. All those years, I thought it was MY fault that I was insecure and had such low self-esteem. I somehow had adopted the belief that this was something I was born with and could never overcome; a flaw that would hold me back throughout my lifetime.
Now that it has been over 6 years since my divorce, and over 3 years since the crazy-making relationship that followed, my life has been completely void of anyone who speaks to me that way. I have become unaccustomed to hearing language specifically targeted at tearing me down.
Recently, I had a situation with one of those people. He tried to use the same old tactics to make me back down from a disagreement, to apologize for something that was not AT ALL my fault, just to bring the friendship back into order again. He threatened to disconnect from me if I didn’t come into agreement with his point of view and to answer his demanding and intrusive questions…as if his threats would somehow make me scared enough about losing the relationship, that I would bow to his demands. He said hurtful, condescending things about me, all of which really sounded more like his own characteristics than mine. And all of this, while publicly maintaining a Christian persona.
I tried to be reasonable for a while, to get him to understand my point of view, and to get him to take ownership of the hurtful things he was saying. As you can imagine, this was a fool’s errand. I just don’t think he could wrap his head around the fact that I was standing up for myself.
After a few days, I basically just said, “You were the one who said you were going to disconnect. You were the one who blocked me. So be done, already. Disconnect.”
And when he kept texting, and then others in his close circle began to harass me from phone numbers I did not recognize, I finally just had to make that decision for myself. How long should I continue to allow someone to be so unkind and disrespectful to me? How much is my peace worth? Is this relationship worth the drama and dysfunction? The answer was clear. Disconnecting achieved.
It is unfortunate and sad. But after knowing someone for so long, you come to a point when you know you have done all you can, you have tried to do it with love, and you can finally let go without any guilt.
So, let’s come back to the best thing about being single. There is a certain amount of strength that comes from spending time on your own. I have come to believe it is very necessary to get some time and distance from all the chatter “about” you, or “for” you, or “to” you. You just need to be with you. Find out your own truth about who you are. That way, when you finally do choose to partner up with someone, you will know the difference between their false opinion of you, and what you know to be the truth.
Do not ever allow yourself to stay with someone who uses their words with the intention to hurt. There is a difference between unknowingly hurting someone and doing it on purpose. The accidents can (and usually will) be apologized for. The intentional damage never will be.